Kumnandi ukukhula

Ndinguntondo ekhaya. Ndikhule ndibukela oosisi bam neetshomi zabo kakhulu. Ndifunde kubo ukuba intombi iziphatha njani. Ndikhule ndixelelwa ukuba kukho izinto ezithile endingazukwazi ukuzenza kuba ndimncinci. Isiteketiso sam kunanamhlanje nguBaba. Ndide ndihlekwe nangabatshana ukuba ngumakazi onjani ongubaba! Kodwa nangona ndikhule ndikhunjuzwa ukuba ndimncinci, kwenzeka isimanga; ngenxa yemeko yasekhaya, kuye kwanyanzeleka ukuba ndiphange ubude ndikhawuleze ndibhadle. 

Enye yezinto eyeyenza ukuba ndikhule ngokukhawuleza kukusebenzisa iiteksi. Kwaye kwanyanzeleka ukuba ndikwazi ukuzithethela. Ndikwazi ukuthetha nonoteksi. Ndiyazi irenki ime njani. Maxa wambi sasikhwela nebhasi. Nalapho kwakufuneka umntu akhawuleze abhadle ukuze angagezeleki. Ingakumbi ngoku sasikhwela namabhulu agezayo. Kwakufuneka ucele umntu onobuhlanga abhekele. Xa babengafuni, ndandibaxela kuSam, udriver, abajamele bade basuke. Ayithethwa kakhulu ke le, kodwa abantwana abadibana nobuhlanga bebancinci bazibona benyanzeleka ukuba baqole, bakwazi ukuzithethela, bakhawuleze ukukhula. Eneneni ubunzima buyabushwankathela ubuntwana bomntu.

Kwezinyanga zidlulileyo, bendikhe ndamenywa kwi-birthday party. Samenyelwa kwindawo entle, wonke umntu emhle ingathi senza i-music video kaJanet Jackson. Sasibahle mani! Ingxaki, umcimbi wawungeCawa ezintsukwini. Oko ndatitsha, iCawa yimini apho endihambisa kancinci ‘kuba ngengomso kufuneka ndime phambi kwabafundi. Akhonto itheni ke ‘kuba wonke umntu uyaphangela ngoMvulo. Ndafika kule pati sendizibika ukuba andihlelanga ngenxa yokuba xa ndizakutitsha ndikholelwa ukuba ndivuke ekuseni ukuze ndenze amalungiselelo emini. Okwesibini, ndamxelela usotheko ukuba, ‘kuba ndihlala kude, inde indlela egodukayo. Savumelana kamnandi, kwamnandi akwabikhonto.

Into yebirthday pati inento yokuba abantu bathethe ngokukhula, sibuzane ukuba ubani nobani banangaphi, sihleke, siqhulane, kube mnandi. Ndazibhaqa sendiphakathi kwencoko apho saphela sincokola ngabantu abazigugisayo. Andisakhumbuli ukuba yaqalela phi incoko kodwa ndazifumanisa sendizama ukuchaza ukuba andihlelanga ngenxa yezizathu ezithile. Lo mntu ndandincokola naye wandihleka ngelithi andiqhelanga ukudlala nabanye abantwana! Ndaziva ndizama ukumcacisela ukuba kwezintsuku ndiziva ingathi ndikhulile oku kuthi kukho izinto ezithile endingazenziyo. Yaye kukho nezinye endingazukwazi ukuziqala. Umzekelo, kuba ndiziqhubela, xa ndiziva ukuba ndanele ukuba sendaweni ethile, ndiyakwazi ukuthi cwishi, ndigoduke ndingacenganga mntu. Qha ingxaki sasikhumsha nto leyo ithi wava ingathi ndithi I’m old. Ndazama ukumcacisela ukuba asikuba I’m old ‘kuba isiNgesi siso esinesigama esinqongopheleyo ukuchaza le nto ndandifuna ukuyivelisa. Ndandifuna ukuthi ndimdala. Nto leyo ingafaniyo nokuguga. 

Ekugqibeleni ndabangowokuqala ukuyishiya ipati leyo. Phofu sendicengwe ukuba ndikhe ndihlale ndilinde ne-cake. Ndala impela ‘kuba lo nto yayizokuthetha ukuba ndihamba ezinzulwini zobusuku. Kwafuneka ndikhumbuze usotheko ukuba ndisezakuba sendleleni imizuzu eyi30. Ndahamba sendibudikwara ‘kuba yayingathi khange nditsho ukuba ndicela indlela. Ndawushiya lo mcimbi ndicinga ngesigama sesiXhosa esivelisa izigaba ngezigaba zokukhulu endifuna ukuthi azikho okanye azifani ngesiNgesi.

Ekubeni ndiziva ukuba ndimdala, ndiye ndaqaphela nto yimbi ebendingakhange ndiyilindele: abantu banento yokucinga ukuba ndimncinci. Andazi kukangaphi ndisiva abantu becinga ukuba ndim umfundi apho ndiphangela khona (ndade ndanqanda umfundi wayezincumisa esithi ndimphandlile, ecinga ukuba singoontanga). Oko ndinconwa ukuba “you look so young!” Indothusile ke le ‘kuba ndikhule ndiqolile ngenxa yomzimba owakhawuleza wavuthwa ndisakhula. Ibhodi yam yokuqala sayithenga kwaAckermans nomama: it was an underwire! Ndandineminyaka elishumi elinanye! Kwafuneka ndiziqolise mpela ngoku ndandiqala ukutitsha ukuze ndingadelelwa ngabantwana esikolweni. Ngoku ndimdala kodwa abantu bade bathi ingathi I’m in my 20s! Isimanga! Kufuneka ndibaqande ngelithi mabongeze amanani aliqela; ndibabone ingathi abandikholelwa. Inene yinyani black don’t crack!

Lilonke ndizama ukujijana nalento yokuziva ndimdala kodwa abantu xa bendijonga okanye xa bethetha nam babona intwazana okanye intombi eselula. Maxa wambi ndiye ndiyihleke, maxa wambi ndiyakruquka ngenxa yokuba ndithwele ingxaki zomntu omdala. Kodwa ndiye ndaqaphela ukuba xa umntu engenazo impawu zokubamdala (ezifana nokuba ngumzali, umtshato njalo njalo) abantu banento yokucinga ukuba umtsha kakhulu. Izigaba zokubamdala, ingakumbi kuthi zintombi, ngumtshato nabantwana. Kwisifana noko banolwaluko nto leyo ichaza ukuba umntu uyakhula. Ngaphandle kwe21st, andinazo ezinye indlela zokuveza ukuba ndimdala. Nangona ndinezidanga eziliqela, bakhona abantu abakwi20s zabo abanazo izidanga endinazo so naleyo ayindincedi. Ndifikelele apho kufuneka ndizithethelele ukuba hayi kanti, sukuqhathwa bobubuso, ndimdala! Abantu bavele bandihleke! 

Iphinde ibeyingxaki xa abantu bendibona ndikunye nomafungwashe wasekhaya nosisi ophakathi. Baneziqu ezincinci impela ke bona. Abantu bade bacinge ukuba ndim omdala ngenxa yesiqu! Umafungwashe unegazi likamakhulu, umama katata. Elagazi lenza abantu bangagugi ncam: bafutshane, batshele ngesiqu! 

Apho ndiyakhona; kuthetha ntoni ukubamdala ngaphandle kwempawu ezilindelekileyo? Xa ndithetha ngokukhula andithethi ngeminyaka. Xa ndisithi ndimdala ndithetha ukuba ndikhulile. IsiNgesi ke sinegama elithi grown/growth endilithandayo. Bendikhe ndafunda incwadi kaRoss Gay ethi The Book of Delights. Yingqokelela yezincoko malunga nezinto nezehlo ezimonwabisoyo nezimnyumbazayo, delights. Enye yesincoko sakhe isihloko sithi “Grown”. Ndivuye kakhulu ndakusifunda ‘kuba sindinike indlela yokucinga ngalomba wokukhula. Uthi xa ebhala:

Zonke ezingcinga ndihamba nazo ‘kuba ndikhe ndizibhaqe phakathi kwezihlobo eziyintanga kamama. Ndiqubha neqela labelungukazi abadala le kunam. Ndikhe ndibabukele indlela abaziphatha ngayo. Yibanomfanekiso ngqondweni: sonke sinxibe ibathing elwandle. Sidada sonke sibengabantwana. Andiqondi ukuba ndakhe ndabona oomama abamnyama benxibe ibathing bequbha elwandle. Kusoloko bebambe isidima sokuba ngumama. Abanye kungenxa yemithwalo yobomi eyenza ukuba baguge: iyagugisa intlupheko.

Ndikhe ndive xa sincokola sihleka ukuba when our parents were our age babenemizi, benabantwana, bebaleka ukubanjwa, bephila phantsi kombuso ogadalala ocinezelayo. Thina asinazo ezongxaki. Siyazilawula ngenye indlela. Singabanye, siyaphangela; ukuba imeko iyasivumela siyancedisa emakhaya. Abanye bakhulisa abatshana, abanye bakhela abazali njalo njalo. Kodwa konke oluxanduva sinako ukuzikhethela. Maxa wambi sisazela. Maxa wambi bubuntu ‘kuba siphangela nje sikhuliswe ngabanye abantu.

Ngoku ndibona ukuba yigem yethu: abanye bayatshata, abanye bayazala, abanye bafike kwi40s. Ababakwi50s ingathi abazimiselanga ukuguga! Ekugqibeleni ndibukele ngomdla iziqgibo esizithathayo ukuvelisa ukuba sibadala. Singabanye senza izinto ezazisenziwa ngabazali bethu. Ndikhe ndizive ndithetha njengomama! Ndizihleke! Isizathu sokuba ndibhale esisincoko kukuchaza ukuba sanuqhatheka, ndimdala bethuna! Ndincedwe ngumhlobo wam (uLerato Pakade) ukuze ndizibone okutsha ngenxa yemifanekiso ayithathileyo kwezinyanga zidlulileyo: ndimhle, ndikhulile, ndimdala!